So what have psychologists learned about how people heal, move through the hurt and even learn and grow from it? Turtles, sharks, teddy bears, foxes and owls These responses have evolved as self-protection and are rooted to our personal histories and personality.īut the pain can linger indefinitely, continuing to influence us from the shadows. They trigger a myriad of emotional and behavioural responses, including aggression, resentment, fear, avoidance and reluctance to forgive. These wounds sting so sharply because they lead us to question the safety, dependability or allegiance of these people. The first step is understanding what makes relationship conflict so difficult and the different approaches people have to it.Ĭanadian psychologists, Judy Makinen and Susan Johnson, have used the term attachment injuries to describe the sorts of wounds inflicted when we perceive that we have been abandoned, betrayed, or mistreated by those closest to us. It is an inevitable part of most lives and learning how to negotiate it is a more useful and realistic goal than avoiding it. In the course of a lifetime, it is difficult to avoid hurting, upsetting, or being in conflict with people we love. But psychology has helped us understand more about the breakdown of close relationships and what factors make resolution more likely. It’s not easy to move past and sometimes it simply isn’t going to happen, at least in the short term. This sort of conflict can feel impossible to resolve. He describes power struggles, conflict, challenging family dynamics and decades of guilt, jealousy and resentment. Prince Harry’s recent memoir, Spare, is a reminder of the fact that the people closest to us often have the greatest power to hurt us. For all the joy they bring, families and close friendships often involve conflict, betrayal, regret and resentment.
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